Ceilidh Dance newsletter – 2021/22 #12

Playing Cards

The Chinese invented playing cards in BC 1000. Some interesting facts
and observations about playing cards:

Did you know that the traditional deck of playing cards is a
strikingly coherent form of a calendar?

There are 52 weeks in the year and there are 52 playing cards in a deck.

There are 13 weeks in each season and there are 13 cards in each suit.

There are 4 seasons in a year and 4 suits in the deck.

There are 12 months in a year so there are 12 court cards (Those with
faces namely Jack, Queen, King in each suit.)

The red cards represent the day, while the black cards represent the night.

If you let Jacks = 11, Queens = 12, and Kings = 13, then add up all
the sums of 1 + 2 + 3 + … to 13 = 91. Multiply this by 4, for the 4
suits, therefore 91 x 4 = 364, add 1 that is the Joker and you will
arrive at the number 365 being the days in a year.  Add one more for a leap year.

Is that a mere coincidence or a greater intelligence?

Of interest is the sum of the letters in the names of the cards, e.g.,
add up the letters in “one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King” and they come to 52!

The Spades indicate plowing or working.

The Hearts indicate love thy crops.

The Clubs indicate flourishing and growth.

The Diamonds indicate reaping the wealth.

There is a deeper philosophy than just merely playing cards.

The mathematical perfection is mind-blowing.

Cute bus ads:-

Reel of the Puffins     Jim Lindsay and his Scottish Dance Band      Reel of the Puffins

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Abbotshaugh Footbridge Falkirk

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How far away do you think this might be?

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Strathmore near Eassie Angus

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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How Do You Separate Egg Yolks?

Well, you have been doing it …”WRONG”

Try this new method. It’s easier and faster……………..

www.youtube.com/embed/iAp8pEaWB1Y

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If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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Tarbert, Loch Fyne

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A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying a word.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an arsehole.”

Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks;

“Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

The police officer replies: “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

Barrister: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”

“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”

“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”

“Aggressive and hostile?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for arsehole?”

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

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the Paps of Jura from the Island of Danna.

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.  Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was  marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.   Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new  bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual  appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old  man.   Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully  suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out  on  the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.  ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,  ‘And  how’s the hired hand?’

Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.”

Don’t ever underestimate old guys .

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Three Sisters in Glencoe

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Miss Johnstone of Ardrossan      Keith Smith & Muriel Johnstone    Vintage Goldring

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Tobermory

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WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE – I’M BROKE! 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good  morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners…

‘ ‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door And pushed  it wide open… ”Don’t be too hasty!” he said.  ”Not until You have at least seen my  demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her Hallway carpet.

”Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat The remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, ”Well let me get you  a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Elgol Beach, Skye

NEXT CEILIDH DANCE IS ON April 29, 2022 which is 1 week away!!  Get busy and alert all your friends and acquaintances.

May your troubles be one, may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Duncan MacKenzie
ceilidh@rscdsvancouver.org